Date: 25/4/2021
location: homebirth
care provider: kira waetford
Having spent my pregnancy processing fears of a long labour and the potential for interventions we decided at 28 weeks our baby needed to be born at home. We met and hired our Private Midwife Kira and it immediately felt like it was the right decision. Of course, we were nervous and scared. I had no idea what birthing was like let alone how my body would respond. I knew I needed to trust myself and lean into all the feelings that came up. I felt confident that with time and no pressure my body would be able to do what it needed to, to birth our baby.
We attended birth education through Illawarra Birth Classes and a Hypnobirthing course with our lovely friend Anne Carstairs. Finishing all the education at 34 weeks we felt empowered and ready as we would ever be to take on the birthing process and meet our baby. We also just wanted the two of us and our midwives present at the birth.
In the week I finished work, I turned off the news and podcasts and filled my mind with music and meditation. For some reason, this just seemed right. To clear my head of the world and zone in on my body and our baby. In the days before Jack’s birth, the sea was so so calm. Even out on the point, the waves were gently lapping the rocks. The water rose and fell so smoothly and I found this to be the most beneficial moment in my birth preparation.
Sitting on the beach only hours before and our friend Elly said the baby would be here tomorrow. I laughed because we really had no idea. I had dropped pomegranate juice down my white top, I felt it was momentous. I guess I felt a change coming too, but probably because I had no energy to do anything, I felt so heavy. We ate dinner and went to bed early. I remember feeling tired in my whole body. I took a few pictures in the mirror. I was in absolute awe of my body. I felt proud to grow like this, to sustain this little life. How incredible, wild, hard, lovely, painful and empowering growing a human is.
At 10 minutes to midnight, I woke to my waters breaking. I was confused and half asleep it took me ages before I had realised what was happening. I was excited, thinking that surely They’ll be here today! I tried to sleep into the morning but things were happening. I sat on the birth ball for a few hours watching a movie with candles and oils burning.
I had a bath and ate raisin toast. I felt my body rearranging itself and opening for my baby, each surge different and difficult but ultimately achievable. A mother told me that "the best thing is, once you do a contraction, you NEVER have to do that one again,” and that stuck with me. I held Charlie’s hands as my body contracted. Telling myself, “that one was training, it will only get worse. You need to focus now or never.”
Our midwife Kira arrived around 9:30 am and things slowed. I wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep forever. I buried my face into the couch, wishing for sleep but knowing no rest would be coming until the baby was here. We had our vitals checked then I was left to rest and soon was labouring again.
Here, things blur for me. I had written in my birth plan I didn’t want to know the time. I knew I couldn’t be on the clock. Feeling my body would work & my baby would come when he/she was ready. At this point, I knew I needed to give into my body and try my best to breathe and let it do what it needed to do. I don’t remember the order of events but I remember some things like Kira suggesting I labour over the toilet to get things moving. I remember needing to be breathing/"in the zone" before it started or it hurt. Using heat packs on my lower back. Charlie putting pressure on my hips for hours. The heat pack falling into the toilet and Charlie pushing me forward because he thought it was the baby. We all laughed after the initial shock.
When Kira asked me, “do you want to get in the pool?” I was amazed we had made it this far already. Having given myself the idea of a hot shower as a first stop if things got really bad, it was a surprise to hear I could get in the pool. It was such a relief but it slowed things down. I returned to labour on the toilet then squatting on the bathroom floor, before returning to the pool. Then back to the bathroom. Then on all fours in the bathroom.
I was exhausted. I remember being in tears on the toilet because I was scared. The baby’s heart rate sounded ok, but I couldn’t be sure. I wanted them out. I cried because I needed them in my arms. To know they were safe. To know they were ok. I cried again over the feelings of fear, my mind taking over. When Kira told me I needed to take off my nursing brain I knew she was right but I wanted control.
I took my time. The surges were short. Hardly enough time to push. I didn’t want to push. But I knew I needed to sync to the rhythm of my body and increase my awareness so I was ready to push. I was pretending to hide that I was having one so I didn’t have to push. Pretending I could go on forever like this. Curling on the edge of the pool, I didn’t want to do it.
Through a few more surges I breathed and tried to think through my options as if I could control or choose what was going to happen. Then I remember coming to the realisation it was ALL up to me. That this baby would be here as soon as I was ready and able to get them out. The next surge was coming and I could feel I needed to move. Positioning my feet underneath me, squatting with my elbows over the side of the pool and holding tight to Charlie’s forearms. I leant back and said “are you ready? I’m going to do it.” I pushed with everything that was left. It really hurt in a new kind of way. I knew the head was out. For me, this felt like the end. I lay back with a small sense of fear for my perineum but an overwhelming feeling that it was over.
We waited for our baby to work the final magic. Turning their head, wiggling and kicking their way out. I looked down at my belly and could feel him kicking. I knew these were the last & I savoured them. I didn’t feel the next surges, light and still quick. Too quick to feel. I looked to our midwives for reassurance and our second midwife Rachel felt my belly & said “yes, you can push.” & at 2:47 pm Jack swam into his father's arms.
I lost a lot of blood and needed to get out of the pool. I asked for no medication to assist with the removal of the placenta etc. and I managed to achieve a physiological delivery. But those contractions to help that process were wild and strong and I remember thinking, “didn’t we just do all of this?”
We were able to leave Jack attached to his placenta for a while after the birth. I was feeling very dizzy and had a ringing sensation so I agreed to have some intramuscular medication to assist with symptom management of blood loss. I wasn’t afraid or against attending the hospital at this point. I felt we had achieved something so special in having him at home. The injection helped and I needed stitches for a second-degree tear before getting some snuggly rest.
